Everybody’s free (to wear breast pads)

I took part in a creative writing and mother hood workshop a few weeks ago, which left me feeling really quite inspired.  This was one idea that popped in my head that I just couldn’t shake, so here it is – my parody of the Sunscreen song.


Everybody’s free (to wear breastpads)

Mums-to-be of the class of 2015
Wear breast pads.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, breast pads would be it
The leaked-milk-catching benefits of breast pads have been proved by many mothers,
Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
Than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your bump, oh, never mind
You will not understand the power and beauty of your bump
Until it’s gone but trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back
at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now
How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked

You are not as fat as you imagine

Don’t worry about weaning
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum
The real troubles with weaning are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
Like the food that’s flung at you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday

Do one thing every day that’s just for you

Don’t be reckless with other people’s babies
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours


Don’t waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes your baby’s ahead, sometimes he’s behind
The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself

Remember useful tips you receive, forget the unsolicited advice, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how

Keep your old baby clothes, throw away your old, stretched maternity clothes


Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your baby.
The most wonderful parents I know didn’t know at first what they should to do with their babies.
Some of the most experienced parents I know still don’t

Get plenty of caffeine

Be kind to your pelvic floor muscles
You’ll miss them when they’re gone

Maybe you’ll co-sleep, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll baby-wear, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll bottlefeed, maybe you’ll breastfeed your walking, talking toddler on her 2nd birthday

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s

Enjoy your muslins, use them every way you can
Don’t be afraid of them or what other people think of them
They’re the greatest bit of material you’ll ever own

Sleep, even if you have nowhere to do it but slumped over the bars of the cot.

Buy dummies, even if you don’t use them.

Do not read Gina Ford, she will only make you feel angry

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good

Be nice to your health visitors, they’re your best link to your Doctor
And the people most likely to support you in the future

Understand that toys come and go
But with a precious few, you should hold on
Work hard to battle the effects of mud and snot on them
For the older your children get, the more they’ll want the teddy they knew when they were young

Read the forums on Mumsnet once, but leave before they make you hard
Read the forums on Netmums once but leave before they make you soft


Accept certain inalienable truths
Nappies will leak, teething will push you to the brink, your children, too, will get old
And when they do, you’ll fantasize that when they were young
Nappies were leak-proof, teething was easy
And children respected their elders
Respect your elders

Find Mummy friends who’ll support you
Maybe you’ve known each other for years, maybe you’ll meet at play group
They’ll be the ones who understand the most.

Don’t stress too much about your hair
when half of it seems to fall out when the baby is born.

Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
And recycling it for more than it’s worth

But trust me on the breast pads.



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