I’m a strong believer in allowing my children to be themselves. Hell, not just allowing them to be, but actively encouraging them. If my son wants to play with the dolls house then that’s great. My daughter wants to push cars around and crash them into things? More power to her!
As my son moves towards starting full time school I’m acutely aware of all the new pressures he’s being exposed to. In the last few months he’s started talking about boys toys and girls toys. We’ll see an advert for a toy and he’ll say to me “That’s for girls, isn’t it Mummy?”. I do wonder where this has come from and find it slightly unnerving that he’s able to determine that a toy is for a girl, presumably just from the way it’s marketed. My normal response is to tell him that anyone can play with the toy if they want to. I would hate for him to miss out on discovering talents or interests just because the related toy or activity is ‘for girls’.
The thing is, since he’s started half days at nursery school he does seem to be learning about what is socially acceptable and may well already be feeling a bit of pressure from his classmates to play with certain toys. I don’t want him to get teased or left out because he wants to play with a different toy, but, even more so, I don’t want him to hide his true interests just to fit in.
I want him to have the self-confidence to own his interests and his choices. I’m hoping that by encouraging him to be himself at home, this confidence will grow. I want him to trust that he is safe at home to play with whatever interests him, to watch the tv programs that he finds enjoyable, to wear whatever clothes he feels comfortable is, to express his feelings openly and to just be his true self.
I really hope that providing this sort of ‘safe’ environment at home he’ll learn that it’s ok to be himself and I think this will have several benefits for him as he goes through life:
- He’ll find friends, and later partners, who like him for who he really is. Yes he can act differently to fit in with the ‘in crowd’, but he’ll never feel fully comfortable with them. If he’s just himself he’ll attract people who he genuinely fits in with, who’ll understand him and love him quirks and all!
- His self-esteem will grow even more. It’s like a self-esteem circle – the higher his self-esteem, the more likely he is to be himself and attract friends who like him for who he is and knowing his real self is liked and appreciated will raise his self-esteem even more! On the other hand, if he pretends to be something he’s not to try and fit in, he’ll feel like the true him isn’t worthy of knowing and so his self-esteem could potentially plummet.
- He’ll be generally happier. If he lives his life authentically, being true to himself, he’ll feel a sense of peace and happiness that will just elude him if he spends his days trying to be something he’s not.
I really feel that you have to spend the time to get to know the child you’ve been given. They really are born with their own unique set of interests and their own personality. It’s not up to us as parents to try and mould them into what we want; it’s our responsibility to embrace who they are at their core. We have to let go of our own desires for them and realise that they are their own people with their own desires for their lives.
On a side note, my son isn’t gender non-conformist, but this article still spoke to me on so many levels about allowing our children to be themselves – 12 things every gender nonconforming child wants you to know. Well worth a read.
Beautiful post, Madeline. I totally agree, that encouraging children to be themselves is the best way for them to be happy and comfortable. There are so many new challenges when they start school! #TwinklyTuesday x
Thanks Becky! I have to admit I’ve found it really hard to let him go and be exposed to outside influences at school! x
Great post and such an important topic. I also believe its vital to encourage children to be who they want to be. I try not to categorise toys and activates but I have found it difficult on occasions, things out of our control like television, nursery/school and peers are big influences in today society. #TwinklyTuesday
It’s really hard isn’t it, when they’re exposed to so many other influences. I think when they’re little, toys should just be toys, not boy/girl toys! Other people don’t always agree though! x
I love this post – I totally agree in fact I get down right pissed off when people think kids should act or be a certain way (especially dare I say our parents generation). They are all individual and that should be celebrated, shrieking and all! #twinklytuesday
Haha, love your comment! We should definitely celebrate our children’s individuality, and it is infuriating when other people try to do otherwise! x
Fantastic post, it’s all perfectly true, I get really annoyed when other kids (or worse, parents!) laugh at Ez for saying he likes the colour pink, or at my daughter for playing with cars and trains.
That’s just shocking, that a grown up would laugh at a child for liking a certain colour! Some people just seem so fixated on things being for boys or girls, I don’t see how it matters if a boy likes pink! x
I so believe in this as well. My son’s hair is the longest. Till his waist when he started school. He ask for me to cut it about a month or so ago cuz he doesnt want to be called a girl anymore. I have to give in because my son is asking me though its him giving in to peer pressure in school. I explained to him thought that you can never gauge a person gender through their looks. I hope that our little talk got into him. #TwinklyTuesday
Oh that’s so hard, you must want him to keep it long because it’s ‘him’ but at the same time respect his wishes to cut it. So hard! I just want to keep them wrapped up at home sometimes, away from those pressures of school and other children! x
What a lovely post. I’ve also found it challenging to walk the line between supporting genderless play at home while also hoping that it doesn’t get my kids teased at school. I have found that, on the contrary,they’ve been able to navigate school culture just fine while also better connecting with a wider variety of boys AND girls. #TwinklyTuesday
It is tricky isn’t it, to get that balance right, but it sounds like what you’ve done at home has worked really well! x
I think this is the right time to start addressing these issues right on. It’s okay to say, “I know that some of your friends think that’s for boys and not girls, but we don’t believe that in our family. We think that boys can have fun with the same toys as girls and girls can have fun with the same toys as boys.” There’s a wonderful chapter in my favourite book, NurtureShock, that points out that children don’t learn to avoid stereotypes my mere exposure. They need to hear things that make them question and reject stereotyping.
Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.
Oh that’s really interesting, I’ll have to look that book up. I’ll have to talk to my children more about these things, so they know it’s ok to question the ‘norm’. x