Seems the best way to eat grapes is straight from the tub, while sitting on the work surface, biting into each one, then putting it back for someone else to enjoy later!
Yum!
Things I would tell pregnant me
Part of a creative writing and motherhood workshop that I took part in recently involved writing ourselves a letter, thinking about what we would say to our pregnant selves.
I’ve been really thinking about it since then. See, the thing is, I could tell myself all sorts of things about what being a mum has really been like, but I still don’t think I would have been prepared.
Nothing can truly prepare you for having a baby. And there are so many factors involved, so many emotions, so many hormones, so many ideals that just get shattered when you get home from the hospital and nothing is quite like you’d imagined it would be.
But, still, here are some things I would tell myself if I had the chance to go back to the time before my children were born.
It won’t come as easily as you think it will.
By ‘it’ I mean all of it. All of what motherhood entails. Just because you want it so badly doesn’t mean it will come easily. Breastfeeding will be hard. At first you’ll be terrified to dress the baby because you don’t know what you’re doing, and you feel like you’ll hurt him. The lack of sleep will be unlike anything you’ve experienced before, you’ll be so tired you’ll hallucinate at night, and just want to cry in the day.
It will get easier though.
You will find your feet. You’ll get some sleep, or at least adapt to getting less sleep. You will get to know your babies. You’ll learn how to do all the practical things and soon they’ll become second nature. You will drink a whole, hot cup of coffee again. You’ll learn to trust your instincts and to do what you know is right for you and your family.
You should really learn the lyrics to Calon Lan.
You’ll sing that song over and over again to both your children. It will have such special meaning to your family.
Hormones can make you all kinds of crazy.
You’ll feel so many emotions you won’t know what’s going on. Joy, despair, wonder, hopefulness, hopelessness, love (complete and utter, all-consuming love), anger, resentment, confusion. Anything goes. But knowing that this is normal can help you get through it. It can take months though, for your hormones to settle down, so be prepared for that!
You won’t be able to think straight.
The baby will be screaming. You’ll know it’s because he’s too hot. You’ll think as far as taking his clothes off and then have to call your husband to come home and help. He’ll immediately come in and open the windows and doors to cool the house down. You’ll burst into tears at not having thought of that for yourself.
There are moments of absolute joy and wonder.
The quiet moments where you just sit, with your baby sleeping on your chest. The wonderful moment you hear your child say ‘mummy’ for the first time, and know that they mean YOU. Every time they attempt a new skill, and again when they master it. The moment you realise that you can have an actual conversation with them. The little moments in the day when you just stop and gaze at them and it really is amazing that they’re here.
There are moments of absolute frustration and despair.
The quiet moments when you just sit, with your baby sleeping on your chest, and the tv remote, your phone and your drink are all out of reach but you don’t dare move because it’s the first time the baby’s slept all day and you’re so scared you’ll wake them up. The moment you hear your child call ‘mummy’ for the 100th time that hour and you desperately want them to mean someone else. When you have the same conversation with your 20 month old over and over and over again.
It’s hard.
Being a mum is hard. Really bloody hard. We’re bombarded with conflicting advice and opinions. And internally we fight conflicting thoughts and emotions. We get tired and frustrated when the baby won’t sleep, then we feel guilty for feeling those things because there are women out there without children who would give anything to be in our shoes, then we feel overwhelmingly sad at that thought, then get a rush of love for the baby in our arms, then minutes later we’re back at frustration because they still won’t go to sleep.
You’d do it all over again.
When you strip it all back though, and get past all the fear, and despair, and utter exhaustion, at the very core of motherhood is love. Love that is messy and raw and all-consuming, but also beautiful and wonderful and life-changing.
Love like you’ve never known before.
Despite all the things I’ve written above about how hard it all is, having my children is still the most amazing thing I’ve ever done. I wouldn’t change them for the world. I wouldn’t change this experience for the world. With all the bad comes so, so much good. So many shining moments of joy that wipe away everything else.
So, when all is said and done, if I could go back to being my 27 year old pre-baby self, would I go around again?
Hell. Yes.
The joy in motherhood.
I took part in a really interesting workshop last week, which aimed to use creative writing techniques to help mothers express their feelings about being parents.
One of the things we discussed was how motherhood seems to be portrayed in the media in two ways. You either get the Pinterest-perfect view of it, with the pristine white sofas and beautifully behaved children. Or you get the ‘hahaha, isn’t being a parent awful?!’ type posts. Which at least acknowledge that being a parent is hard but don’t really help at all!
So this sort of inspired me to see if I could find a more realistic quote about motherhood.
One that isn’t all sunshine and unicorns, but instead acknowledges that being a mum is a huge, chaotic mix of good, bad and everything in between.
This is the best I found:
I like this idea of ‘shining moments of joy and satisfaction’, rather than claiming that every single moment as a parent is a joy and is to be cherished!
This is a topic I’ll be writing about more, once I get my head around all the emotions that I feel every day with my 2 children, and work out how to put that into a coherent post!
Be the parent your child needs
I wrote a post yesterday where I touched on this idea of being the parent that your child needs.
I think if I could go back to pre-motherhood me, that would be the advice I would give myself. Don’t get too caught up on what the books say you ‘should’ be doing, don’t worry about what other people tell you your children ‘should’ be doing.
Just focus on getting to know your child, and learning to be the parent that he needs.
Now that I’m a Mum of two I’m learning even more that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Even within the same family you have to learn what each individual child needs from you, and adapt to become the parent that they need you to be.
See, my children are very similar in many ways. When you look at their baby pictures it can be really hard to tell who is who. They were both on the move very early, and are confident in their physical abilities. But there are more and more differences emerging too. And, of course, as they get older their individual personalities change and evolve and I have to keep up with the people they’re becoming.
I have to make a conscious effort to adapt my behaviour and my habits to ensure that they get what they need from me. For example, I discovered when Rhys was a baby that I’m not as naturally tolerant of mess and dirt as I thought I was, and it’s taken me a while to relax and be comfortable with it. And the main thing I’ve come to realise is that Nerys’ need to get her hands in things, to touch and feel new sensations is more important than my ‘need’ to keep her hands and clothes clean!
See, I’m learning all the time about what my children need from me as a parent.
They need my love, my attention, my time, my respect.
After those needs are met you have to dig a little deeper. Listen to your children, and watch them too. In their own way they’ll tell you what they need.
You’ll learn if they need to be pushed or if you need to hold back.
You’ll learn if they need to be cuddled all day or if they need their personal space.
You’ll learn if they need the structure of routine or if they need more flexibility in their days.
If you trust your instincts you’ll come to realise that they’re your children, no one knows them better than you. No one else knows the best way to ‘be’ with them.
So, a message to past-me, and a reminder to now-me and future-me:
Don’t worry about being the parent you always thought you’d be.
Don’t waste your time trying to be the parent that others think you should be.
Don’t be the parent to the child you want your child to be.
Get to know the child you’ve been given. Learn who they are, get to understand the way they think, be the parent that they need.
A really interesting parenting quote.
I’ve been a parent for about 4 and a half years now, and am constantly learning how to be the Mummy that my children need me to be. A lot of the time I’m just following my gut instincts, trusting that they will guide me in the right direction.
The rest of the time? I seem to be following my children’s lead. Watching to see where their interests lie, what their personalities are like, what they need from me. I’m very conscious of not wanting to push them in a direction they don’t want to go, and to let them explore the world, their interests and their capabilities in their own time.
So when I came across this quote it really resonated with me.
For me, it’s really important to let my children learn things and do things in their own time. I’ll show them things, of course, and encourage them to try and face new challenges, but I won’t push and I won’t force.
Surely doing that is just asking for resistance and resentment?
I’ve got a sneaky feeling..
I was on the train on Saturday, travelling home from a newborn/family photo session with a good friend of mine from Uni, already feeling a bit warm and fuzzy from all the love that was in their home.
Then, when we stopped at one of the stations along the way, I looked out of the window and saw a little girl, probably about 10 years old, run off the train and straight into the arms of her waiting Grandmother. The two of them shared a wonderfully big hug; so obviously delighted to see each other.
And it just made me think of the opening scenes of one of my favourite films, Love Actually.
The film opens with footage from the arrivals lounge at Heathrow airport, and Hugh Grant’s voice telling us that it’s a great place to go to see how much love there really is in the world. And then this wonderful line:
It’s so easy to see the bad in the world; to read the papers and watch the news and believe that we’re surrounded by anger and hate.
I much prefer to see the good.
To look out for those little gestures of love between people; the old couple holding hands as they walk along, the Mum-to-be gently stroking her bump, the Dad learning to style his daughter’s hair.
When you watch out for it, you really will see love everywhere you look!
“Do you need a clean nappy?” (Wicked Wednesdays)
I asked Nerys if she needed a clean nappy the other day. Her response was to run away and ‘hide’ at the end of the sofa.
Good thing we weren’t in a rush to go out and had the time to play the ‘come and get me’ game!
