Sometime I feel like I’m just a big old ball of contradictions.
I’m a photographer, but I don’t always feel comfortable taking my camera out and about with me.
I want to document my children’s lives, but I don’t want them to feel that they’re constantly being recorded.
I don’t know if it’s tied in with my anxiety and my OCD, but there are often multiple thoughts whizzing through my mind, arguing, debating and contradicting each other. It can be hard at times, to find the voice of reason and common sense amongst all that noise.
I’m trying to push through it though, to quiet the noise and focus on what it is that I really want, and what I need to do to get it.
What I really wanted this year, was a photo of our family every month. We’re one month away from achieving that, and I am honestly so proud about it. Focusing on this desire for family photos has meant letting my want for it drown out the niggling thoughts that might have tried to stop me doing it:
“I don’t want to be annoying to my family, making them take a photo every month” “People will think we’re really odd if we set the camera up outside and in public for a photo” “We won’t be organised enough to take nice pictures outside so we’ll have to make do with doing it indoors, and it won’t be the same so lets just not bother”
This year, I’ve tried to push past those thoughts. To stick my fingers in my ears and sing, “la la la I’m not listening”.
So I’ve started carrying the camera round with me more. And this month I even remembered to pop the remote trigger in the bag so, honestly, taking these family photos was beyond easy. I’m hoping that the more I do this, focusing on what I want and fighting against all the negative thoughts that try and stop me getting it, the easier it will become to silence them once and for all.
It’s worth the fight, if it means I get photos like this of my family.
It might not seem much, just a little family snap, but this means the world to me.
On a slightly lighter note, have you seen the photos that pop up every now and then of a women with her children, spelling out a word with sparklers or with their arms? The mum always thinks they’re spelling out the word ‘love’, but the children change the letters to make, well, something not quite so sweet!
I have a bad feeling that mum will be me one day.
Just look at this picture. I had no idea I was the only one aiming for a ‘nice’ photo of the four of us.
Honestly though, just like last month, I think this outtake is possibly my favourite out of all the photos we took for me and mine this month.
And you know, Steve and the children were happy to take these photos. No one even walked past where we were doing it. And while we were organised enough to get them done out in the lovely natural light this month, I know from last month’s experience that even if we’d done them inside I would still be really happy with them.
With each passing month (week, day) I’m letting go of various ideals that just aren’t me. I’ve said before that our family photos will never feature us in perfectly coordinated clothes, in picture perfect locations. But they will always be perfectly us. Dabbing and catalogue poses and all. And that is worth fighting for in my book.