Today I did something tiny. It was a miniscule act really.
But it felt huge.
I was buying shampoo for Rhys and Nerys and, for the first time, I put a bottle of kids stuff in my trolley instead of the usual bottle of baby shampoo.
Mainly because Steve had mentioned something about getting shampoo with a different smell, because with the baby shampoo Nerys’ hair still smelt of ‘hot’ even straight after a hairwash.
But there was something about that simple act of choosing a new shampoo that struck me.
It felt like a big step away from baby days. And it’s made me ask myself, are those baby days now behind us?
And it’s strange, because we’ve already done away with a lot of the big baby items, without giving it a second thought.
The cot bed got dismantled a few months ago, when it made more sense for Nerys to have a proper single bed that one of us could climb into if she needed our comfort in the night.
The buggy went to the big buggy-park in the sky about eight months ago, after one of the wheels broke off, and we never bothered replacing it.
The highchair got freecycled ages ago, in favour of space-saving booster seats.
You’d think those big items would have got to me, made me feel a bit misty-eyed at moving on to a new stage. But I really don’t remember thinking about it. It was just practical at the time, to make those decisions and pack things away.
But recently I’ve been more and more aware of the fact that we’re moving on to a new stage in our lives.
Every now and then Nerys will tell me she’s still a baby, and my response alternates between telling her, no, actually she’s my big girl and yes, yes she is still my baby!
And I feel as mixed-up and confused as my responses.
Some days I see my wonderful daughter and am so happy to be at this stage in her life. She is learning so much, and is just so much fun to be around.
But then other days I look at her and realise quite how big she’s got. And it hits me that we really are leaving the baby days behind us. And it’s bittersweet, it really is.
We’re not sure if we’ll try for a third baby or if our family is actually already complete. I go back and forth in my thoughts about it, sometimes dreaming about how lovely it would be to experience pregnancy one more time, to hold a brand new baby in my arms and smell that glorious newborn scent again.
Other times, I look at my son and my daughter and think how great their relationship is, and how much I actually love this family dynamic and I’m just not sure if bringing another baby into that is the best thing to do.
As it stands, we’re not making any firm decisions for another year, by which time I think we’ll both know in our hearts what we want.
But with that question hanging over me, I’m painfully aware of the fact that the end of Nerys’ baby days could well be the end of baby days full stop around here.
And it’s so hard to let go.
But that’s what that little pink bottle of kids’ shampoo is. It really is such a small thing, but my heart is bursting with the enormity of what it represents.
It’s me starting to let go.
It’s me realising that maybe the baby days really are nearly behind us. And I suppose embracing that; even if I’m doing so with a giant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes!
 |
 |
This is such an emotive post. I too have started to give away baby items that we no longer use, instead of saving them ‘just incase’! I can’t help but have a little niggle at the back of my mind though, are we really done?
Great post 🙂
#TwinklyTuesday
It’s a really hard decision isn’t it, I think there will always be a part of me that longs to have those baby days again! x
It’s funny how it’s often the little things that make us realise that our children are growing up too quickly. I can understand getting a little emotional over buying kids shampoo rather than baby shampoo. For me that moment often comes at the end of the summer when I’m folding summer clothes away. Wouldn’t it be nice to pause time sometimes? #TwinklyTuesday
Oh I really do wish sometimes that we could just press pause for a bit! x
Sounds like you’re getting a bit broody to me!! #twinklytuesday
Haha, maybe a little bit! x
Such an emotive post. Beautifully written. Bittersweet it certainly is…x
#TwinklyTuesday
Thank you Rebecca! It really is bittersweet! x
This is such a gorgeous post. I know judge what you mean because when i look at Zach and see just how grown up he is it makes me sad! But then baby number two is going to come along in a few months and I’ll be transported back! It makes me even sadder that number two is likely to be our last and so I need to savour every single moment while also keeping my fingers crossed that another might be possible. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
It’s so strange isn’t it, how it makes you so happy but so sad at the same time, to see them grow up! Hope you really get to enjoy the bubble when baby number 2 arrives! x
We are definitely over the baby days. My son is two in June and definitely a little boy with a big personality! I love this stage but I miss the baby stage and when we have our next, and probably last, I will cherish those newborn days so much more. #KCACOLS
I think once you’ve had one, you’re better able to cherish it all a bit more the next time! x
Aww this resonates with me, every day I realise more and more that we’re well and truly out of the baby stage with SB and it makes my heart hurt a little! Lovely post x #KCACOLS
You just sort of ache a bit, don’t you, when you think about it too much! x
Beautiful post. I know I’m going to be so tearful when I realise Marianna really isn’t a baby anymore. Every day she relies on me just that little bit less completely! x #KCACOLS
Thank you Jess. I have to remember what my Mum told me, that our children are only lent to us, it does seem to help me a bit. x
Oh gosh this is so emotional, sounds to me like another baby isn’t completely out of the question at all. I feel this a bit when I look at Leo, he’s nearly 3 and changed so much
I’ve got another one due in October so the baby days aren’t over for me yet!xx #kcacols
No, a third isn’t completely out of the question! I’m so excited for you having another on the way! x
It really is the little things that can hit us, such as buying a shampoo and realising you don’t need the baby shampoo anymore. The other day I tried to dress my daughter in her newborn sleepsuit and she was too long for it suddenly. That really hit home that she’s growing fast. #KCACOLS
Oh they really do grow so fast in those early months don’t they! x
Oh I have been feeling very similar and actually wrote a post about it this week. We have been having the same debate but have just decied that our baby days are beind us 🙁 #KCACOLS
I’ll have to go and have a read! I’m sure you’ve made the right decision, but that doesn’t make it any less sad does it! x
oh i’m the same! it is so hard but it is nice to think of all that will happen as they get older. Thanks so much for linking up to #KCACOLS hope to see you again next week
Yes, I do have to keep that perspective that there are so many wonderful times still to come. x
This is a beautiful post and one that will get a lot of people slightly emotional I think. I had an out of the blue Twitter conversation the other evening with a mum who was getting rid of some children’s clothes and commented how hard it is getting rid and not passing down clothes. I’m not having anymore but it still brings a lump to my throat to think that I won’t have a little newborn resting on my chest!
Mainy
#kcacols
It’s so hard isn’t it, even if you know that it’s the right choice and that your family is complete! x
I would love to say it gets easier as time goes by. It didn’t for me. Mine are both taller than me now, and I still, with each passing year, look forward to the next but miss the one we just lost. #KCACOLS
I have a feeling I’ll be the same! It’s all so bittersweet! x
This is very sweet and sad. I know we won’t have more children after NC and he is nearly 9 months so still definitely a baby … but it won’t last forever and I’m sure I’ll feel exactly like this. #kcacols
I think we all feel this way a bit, when we think it might be our last time experiencing it all. x
Beautiful post!
This is such a wonderful explanation of motherhood. How the small things just can sometimes signify a huge step in our lives. My boy is 14-months-old, and he’s on the horizon of making huge leaps. He recently started walking, is saying more and more every day, breastfeeding so much less, and I’m just like ‘okay! Slow down!”
Haha. It truly is so bittersweet watching these tiny humans grow <3 #KCACOLS
Haha, if only we could make it all slow down just a little bit! x
It’s always the little things that bring those big realisations, isn’t it? My little boy is only just 2, but I’m already experiencing the contradictions of seeing him both as having grown up so much, and then a few minutes later thinking he’s still my baby! Beautiful and emotional post – made me well up a little bit! #KCACOLS
Oh thank you, I always take welling up as a compliment! I think our children will always be our babies really won’t they! x
That has to be hard! We have a two year old but are still looking to have another. I’m sure it would be sad having to make all of those changes. But I’m sure that you have many exciting times a head. Thanks for sharing! #KCACOLS
It’s a really hard decision to make, so many factors to consider and so many emotions involved! x
Lovely post and I can totally relate to this. My youngest two turned two and three last week and I feel as though we are well and truly past the baby days. I am so emotional about it all, the thought of no more babies is quite a bitter pill to swallow, but I have been so blessed with five and although I will miss the baby snuggles and the distinctive smell of a newborn, I wont miss the sleepless nights! #KCACOLS
It’s so emotional isn’t it, it feels like a huge thing to let go of. No more sleepless nights sounds good though! x
The baby days may be over but not the child days begin. An old era ending is just a new one beginning.
#kcacols
Thank you, that’s the perspective I need! x
Until I had a baby 4 months ago I didn’t realise how quickly time gos by. These four months have gone so fast and we have already got rid of her 0-3 month clothes and she hardly ever wore them! xx
#KCACOLS
The time really does fly doesn’t it! x
It is really tough isn’t it? My little one is only 21 months and already I am missing the baby days. I look at him and think of those wonderful times that I will never get back, and will never be able to live through again. Of course we have wonderful times ahead, and these days are amazing so it is not all that sad really. I would love to have a child, but as a single mum approaching her infertile years I don’t think that it is going to happen. Time to capture and enjoy today, because tomorrow it will be gone. Pen x #KCACOLS
Who knows what tomorrow will bring, so in that sense too we all need to capture and really enjoy today. x
We are starting to move towards this stage – Arthur is only 16 months but he is definitely not a baby anymore…. It is bittersweet – I love to see him grow and develop but it is hard realising how fast time goes and that one day he really will be a proper child! Just make the most of each day and enjoy it 🙂 #KCACOLS
Oh yes, I’m making sure I enjoy this stage we’re at right now with both my two! x
Such a sweet post. My son is five and we went through these feelings as well. We’re just getting excited about the next stages! #kcacols
I think that’s the key isn’t it, to focus on all the good things that are yet to come! x
I love the way you captured the poignancy of this moment, Madeline. Having stopped at 2 beautiful girls, now aged 9 and13, I do feel a pang every time another childhood milestone comes and goes, disappearing into the distance far too fast. THe thought that one day our youngest will also be too big to scoop up and cuddle tugs at my heart. Eldest is 5ft8.5 and has just passed me in the height stakes and seems so grown up…I feel like I have had so many shampoo bottle moments and I just want to slow the clock sometimes…But I think my hubby ‘gets it more than me and knows how to deal with it more than me’…He ‘smells the roses’, he savours every moment…I sometimes get so caught up in the ‘plate spinning and keeping the show on the road’ that I forget to pause and look at these beautiful girls and ‘smell the roses.’ Thanks for a thought provoking read. #kcacols
Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It’s a balancing act I think, between keeping those plates spinning and sometimes letting them drop so you can just ‘be’ in the moment. x
It’s crazy that it’s the little things that trigger the emotions! Who knew it would be shampoo. #kcacols
I for one wouldn’t have imagined having such an emotional reaction to a bottle of shampoo! x
I can relate to this so so much!!! I was picking up bubba some new summer clothes the other day and in mothercare he is no longer in the baby section.. He’s in the kids section! I felt so sad that he was no longer a baby 🙁 xx
#kcacols
Oh yep, that’s another one, Nerys is out of the first shoes section in Clarks now! So sad! x
I can really relate to this post as lately I’m feeling it as Holly keeps informing me that she’s a big girl and not a baby. And as I watch her actions etc I can really see just how grown up she is becoming. Whilst I’m happy to see her growing and experiencing now things there is still a pang of sadness at the loss of the baby days. It can be a really bitter sweet moment can’t it.xx #KCACOLS
It’s so bitter sweet! Especially when they’re calling themselves big girls! x
Friends of mine have a two month old, and they are already talking about how quickly the time goes. Its really impossible to understand until you have a child #KCACOLS
I think you do get a different perspective on time when you have children don’t you. x