This is something I’ve thought about a lot over the years – how different people seem to show love in different ways.
Some people express their love through heaps of physical affection, whereas other people might show it by buying lots of presents.
The problem is, if you show love one way and your partner does it another way, then it can be easy to think that they don’t care about you. If they don’t make an effort to speak your love language, and if you don’t quite understand what their love language is, then you can both end up feeling unloved and misunderstood.
This is where knowing about these different love languages can really help your relationship.
If you can work out what languages you and your partner speak, then you can make the effort to express your love in the way that they need, and vice versa, making sure that you both really feel the love that you have for each other!
The idea that there are 5 distinct love languages came from marriage counsellor Gary Chapman, who has spent over 30 years working with couples in crisis. He believes that we all have a primary love language that we speak, and that we have to learn to understand and speak the language of our partners if we want them to feel loved.
The five languages that he came up with are:
1) Words of affirmation
2) Acts of service
3) Receiving gifts
4) Quality time
5) Physical touch
So, what do these languages entail and how can we learn to speak each one, if it’s not our own natural love language? I’ll work my way through the list and look a bit more closely at each one.
Here goes!
1) Words of affirmation.
If this is your primary love language then, in order for you to feel loved, you need your partner to verbally express their appreciation for you and the things that you do.
It may seem like a small thing but simply thanking your partner for doing the dishes can make them feel loved if words of affirmation is their love language.
Some other suggestions of things you can do if this is your partner’s language:
- Tell them how good you think they look in a certain outfit.
- Thank them for the routine jobs that they do around the house.
- If you stay home with the kids and your partner goes to work, then thank them for working hard to provide for the family.
- If you work and you partner is the one to stay at home, then thank them for working hard raising the children!
- Tell them how much you enjoyed the meal they cooked for you.
- Tell them how much they are loved!
When you’ve been together for quite a while, it can be easy to feel that you’re taken for granted. Just taking the time to express how much you appreciate everything your partner does can really make a difference in how you both feel.
2) Acts of service.
For some people, being told ‘I love you’ doesn’t make them feel that they’re loved. They don’t need their partner to tell them how loved and appreciated they are, they need them to show their love by doing things for them. They need to feel supported.
If this if your partner’s love language, here are some things you can do to make sure they know how much they’re loved:
- If you see them busy doing the dishes, having also cooked dinner, offer to help or take over.
- If you know there’s a household job that they don’t like doing, surprise them by doing it for them.
- Look for ways you can make their life easier.
- Make them a cup of tea in the morning.
- If they’ve got to drive somewhere, pop out the night before and fuel up the car for them.
3) Receiving gifts.
We all like to be given presents, but for some people this is the thing that makes them feel truly loved in a relationship.
Gary Chapman explains that “giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her”.
Some things to think about when dealing with a partner whose primary love language is receiving gifts:
- It’s not about the money! The gifts don’t have to be expensive; it really is the thought that counts here. The gift is a physical representation of the fact that you were thinking about your partner.
- Pay attention to the details of what your partner likes – if you notice that they really love a particular chocolate bar, then making sure you buy that one when you’re at the supermarket, rather than any other random bar, will really make them feel that you care about them. May sound a bit silly but it’s true!
Not sure what sort of presents to give your partner? Here are some ideas:
- Flowers. A classic gift that most women (and some men too!) will appreciate.
- Chocolate! Again, a classic! And it doesn’t have to be a big, expensive box of chocolates. A mars bar will do the trick most days.
- Is there a film your partner has mentioned that they loved and want to see again? Keep an eye out for it on dvd next time you’re out shopping.
- Same goes for an album by their favourite artist.
- Is your partner having a stressful time at work? A few cans of their favourite beer or a bottle of wine waiting for them at home might make them feel much better!
4) Quality time.
For a person who’s primary love language is quality time, having your complete, undivided attention is essential for them to feel loved.
This doesn’t mean spending time together watching tv – it means turning the tv off, making eye contact and having a proper conversation!
If this is your partner’s love language, then you can learn to speak it by making sure you regularly spend time together in a situation where you can focus solely on them. Maybe, if you normally eat your dinner in the lounge with the tv on, once a week you can make the effort to sit at the table together. No tv, no phones. Just good food and a chance to give all your attention to your partner.
Ask them about their day and really listen to what they have to say.
5) Physical touch.
If your partner is always asking for hugs, reaching to hold your hand or putting his arm around you when you watch tv together then, chances are, his primary love language is physical touch.
For them to feel loved they need you to make physical contact with them throughout the day. Hearing the words ‘I love you’ won’t make them feel it as much as if you give them a huge hug and kiss when you see them.
So if this is your partner’s love language, how can you go about making sure they feel how much you love them?
- Hold hands when you’re out and about together.
- Make sure you kiss goodnight!
- A big, bear hug out of the blue.
- Be the one to initiate sex.
- Give them a little squeeze when they’re doing the washing up.
- Don’t let a day go by without touching them in some way. Even if it is just a quick hug, or a kiss as you head out the door. Make sure you give them that physical touch to let them know you love them.
If you’re not sure what your primary love language is, then you can take the fun love language test on 365tests to find out, or you can get a slightly more in-depth analysis with this quiz on the 5 love languages website. Then get your partner to take the tests too, so that you know what language you need to be speaking to make them feel loved!
I think this whole idea is fascinating and really does seem to make sense. Depending on our innate personalities and the way we were brought up, we have different needs that have to be met for us to feel truly loved.
What do you think? Do you have any thoughts on other ways to speak these love languages? I’d love to read your comments.
In the meantime, I’m off to take the quiz because I really can’t seem to decide what my primary love language is!
This is really interesting, although I seem to cross over into every language! Finding ways to make each other feel loved is so important, the words mean nothing if not backed up with actions. I find it’s the small things in life that really add up that make the biggest difference.
#TheList
I think I have a bit of an overlap too, with my love language, and totally agree with you that it’s all the little words and gestures that add up in the end. x
This is so interesting – I have had that book in my Amazon basket for ages, maybe I should just go ahead and order it! I’m going to go and take that quiz, as I am really not sure what mine is. Thanks for sharing on #KCACOLS x
Interesting…it’s a good summation #KCACOLS
Hi Madeline
I found this concept revelatory when my hubby and I did The Marriage Course by Nicky and Sila Lee (who use Gary’s concept) via our church. One of the principles was how the 5 love languages differ in importance between partners.
We realised as a couple we were giving love in the way we liked to receive it, not realising that everyone is different and the way they feel loved is so different too. ONce we understood that about each other, it helped make our marriage relationship even better.
Thanks for sharing. #KCACOLS
That’s so great to hear that your relationship really did get stronger after learning about each other’s love language. x
This is a really interesting read and definitely something I had not thought about before. I think from reading though I lean towardsa “Acts of Service” I am going to have a read on the website now! #KCACOLS
My hubby definitely needs all 5! I think I need to take the test though. Great article. #KCACOLS
Haha, you have a lot of options then to show your husband that you love him! x
I like this post, and it all makes sense. I like the idea of all of these languages of love, and would be really happy with any of them directed at me. I think in a partnership, it s a good thing to think of how you can make them feel loved. If we do, its usually reciprocated too.
Amanda. #kcacols
Yes, it’s important to consider that our loved ones might express their feelings in a different way to us. x
I love this idea. It’s not something I’ve ever heard of or thought about but I can see why it’s important. Going to give the quiz a try too. #KCACOLS
It’s really interesting isn’t it, and quite important too I think. x
I think mine are all 5! I’m going to do the quiz too. This is a Christian author I’m sure because this book was doing the rounds & very popular in my church a couple of years ago. I never actually read it but your summary here is enough I think. Great way to get us actively thinking about how we can show appreciation to our significant others. #KCACOLS
It’s really important I think, to make sure we’re showing our partners and children that we love them in the way that they need. x
Great post here. You’ve got me questioning mine so I’m going to take the quiz.#thelist
Really interesting post. Sometimes its easy to forget to make your other half feel special when you’re trying to sort children work and general house stuff. My OH has often said that he would just like time together for his birthday or as a special token. Its so true that we all have different things we we count as showing our love. Great writing:)
Mainy
#KCACOLS
This is so interesting! I’ve never heard of this before. I have an idea of which is my primary language but I may have to take the quiz to find out. Thanks for sharing this cool info. #kcacols
There is a lot to think about in this post – a lot to consider! I’ll start by heading off to take that quiz #KCACOLS
Oh I’m glad there was a quiz at the end as I was just thinking I was a little abit of everything. Definitely going to go take that now! What an insightful and interesting post. It is logical really but not something I could have thought of myself. Thanks so much for linking at #KCACOLS. Hope you can come back again next Sunday xx
Haha, the quiz is really useful to help figure out what language you speak! x
Crikey – I think I need to up my game! I find it’s the random little stuff that means the most though #KCACOLS
I did the quiz. I am all about quality time (which I guessed) and acts of service. I can take or leave presents apparently. I actually think it hit the nail on the head. Now all I need to do is find a man who is willing to prioritise me above watching sport with a pint in his hand. Easy huh! Pen x #KCACOLS
I love this post, it’s very apt right now as my partner and I were speaking just last night about the different ways in which we show our love. We know we love each other, which is a good thing, but I prefer physical touch and affirmation and he shows his love in others, which can sometimes upset me when I just want a big hug and some positive words! I think I’ll go take the quiz! 😉 #KCACOLS
Sorry, I meant to say he shows his love in other ways, not others!
Yes, take the quiz, it’s really interesting! x
This is interesting stuff. I did the quiz and apparently words of affirmation are most important to me, closely followed by both quality time and physical touch. Maybe I just take the acts of service for granted, as my partner is great at that already. Definitely things to think about here – thanks for sharing. #KCACOLS
It’s so interesting isn’t it! x
We were given this book as a wedding gift. It’s now my favorite gift choice! There is even a book for kids! #KCACOLS
Love this! Thanks for linking up to #thelist xx
Thank you Amy! x
I absolutely love this post! And you’re actually right, understanding these different ways is a real insight. Thank you for positing this #KCACOLS
This is so important!!! People are so different, and I think it’s vital to realize that we all love in different ways too. I totally want to learn more about these love languages, so I’m definitely going to check out this book. Thanks for sharing <3 #KCACOLS
That’s a very interesting post. I wasn’t aware of that concept. I can see its a bit like the Myers-Briggs profiles where its more of a scale than being one or another and how different situations may bring make one ‘language’ more likely than others. I can also see how that can play out in conflict!
#KCACOLS
I’m off to check out the Myers-Briggs profiles now, thank you! x