I’ve been a mum for several years now and while it is quite possibly the best thing I have ever done, it’s also possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I really don’t know how I would have managed these last few years without the amazing support system I have in my life. And a big part of that is the mum friends I’ve made along the way.
Most of my friendships have been formed at babygroups and at the school gates, although there are all sorts of other places you can meet other mums if you’re feeling a bit lonely. The thing is though, it can be really hard to know how to take a new friendship to the next level.
How do you go from general small talk at baby group to arranging playdates and actual nights out together?
I’m naturally quite an introvert and if I’m honest I’m still working on some of these things myself, but here are my essential tips for asking out a new mum friend.
Keep it casual at the start
When you first try to make the leap from acquaintance to friend it can be hard to know if the other person wants the same thing. So it can be a good idea to keep things casual and quite open-ended to start with.
Next time you’re at playgroup together (or wherever you normally see each other) try asking if they’d like to get a coffee together sometime, or meet at the park at some point for a play and a chat.
Keeping it open with the ‘sometime’ line rather than offering a set date or time lets you gauge their reaction and takes the pressure off both of you a bit. If they don’t seem interested you can just leave it and maintain the friendship as it is. If they say yes though then you can follow up with a firmer plan to get together.
Choose your moment and watch your body language
Things are always a bit manic with babies and young children around, but try and find a calmer moment to ask your new friend out. Don’t do it when they’re trying to calm down their screaming baby or juggle school bags and lunch boxes at the end of the school day.
If you’re at playgroup you can use a little psychological trick to your advantage and ask them when they’ve got a nice cup of tea in their hand. Studies have shown that when we hold a warm drink in our hands we think more warmly about the person we’re interacting with at the time.
Try to act confident when you’re talking to them too, and don’t fidget too much or cross your arms which can come across as really defensive.
Instead try gently touching their arm as you’re talking to them. Diana Mather, author of Secrets of confident communicators says;
“People who are tactile are often more popular than people who never touch others. Touch enables us to voluntarily and involuntarily get closer to each other”
If the thought of doing this makes you feel uncomfortable though, try to find something else to do with your hands while you’re talking, like holding a cup of tea or one of your baby’s toys.
Focus on what you have in common
If you want to start with getting together with your new mum friend and your children then this is pretty easy.
You can use the fact that you both have children to your advantage and ask them on a play date or child-focused activity. So see if they want to check out a new baby signing class with you, or meet up at the local pool for the baby swimming session.
If you actually fancy trying to do something with your new friend without your children, then it might help to find out what else you have in common.
It might be that you both love films but never get to see the new releases any more. In this case it could be really easy to suggest a trip to the cinema together once you know what sort of films they like most. Maybe you’ve chatted about the fact that you both want to get back in shape, and so you could ask if she wants to for a walk/run sometime or to check out a new class at the gym.
Make it easy for them to say yes
We all lead such busy lives that we don’t always want to add more things to the chaos.
So don’t make the first move with your new friend too complicated, think about making it something that’s really easy for them to say yes to. Ask them if they fancy a coffee at the cafe by school after you’ve dropped the children off. See if they fancy joining you and your little one at the park round the corner from babygroup. If you can find something that’s nice and convenient and doesn’t really put anyone out they may well be more likely to say yes.
Assuming everything goes well and your new friend says yes to getting together, try not to put too much pressure on yourself for it to go well.
Just relax, be yourself and try to have fun. And remember that she’s probably feeling the exact same way and is just happy to have another mum to chat to about life with babies and children.
I think building Mum friends is easiest with little ones. Most of my strong friendships stem from days with young kids. #KCACOLS
Just ask and don’t over think it. All they can do is say no, and that says more about them than you. #KCACOLS
Love your matter of fact approach! I wish I found it that easy! x
Great post! My husband did (and still does) most of the nursery drop offs / pick ups so I often feel like a bit of an outsider with mums at the school gates and stuff, though I’m trying to say more when I am there. I think a lot of it is just taking that initial step and striking up conversation or whatever – it feels kind of terrifying to start with but it’s okay once it’s actually underway!
Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time. 🙂
Great tips you have here.
Mum friends are easier to make when you have little ones.
#kcacols
I’ve found my mum friends love play dates! I mean who doesn’t love eating cake and drinking coffee putting the world to rights whilst the kids are happily entertaining themselves! Love it! #KCACOLS
I’m a bit of an introvert as well and I have always been fine with that. However now that I’m a mom I feel like I need to be friendly for the sake of my kids. Not only do I want to set a good example for them, but I also need to make friends with the parents of other children to find suitable companions for my little ones. I get the sense that most of the parents I encounter are in the same boat. It makes it easier to interact when we all know that we’re equally invested in forging these relationships. #KCACOLS
I think that’s it, remembering that pretty much all the parents you meet feel the same way you do! x
Some great tips although I find the arm touching idea a little flirty lol. We have made a lot of Mum friends this way.
Thanks for linking up to #KCACOLS
Haha, I suppose the arm touching could come across as a bit flirty, all depends how you do it! x
Love this post! I am rubbish at making friends so will definitely be trying a few of these tips out.
I’m also an introvert and while small talk is okayish for me, I cling to the sidelines in the playground at pick-up, preferring to people watch! That said, I did find making friends at playgroups quite natural, probably due to having the obvious in common. Great tips and I love the psychology of the warm cuppa! #kcacols
This is so useful! Thankfully I’m in an army community so we all kind of band together anyway but I have shockingly few mum friends outside of that circle! #KCACOLS
These are really useful. Great list. I have afew lovely mum friends but have fallen out with a few over the years for many reasons! It’s so important to try and be friendly to eachother.. we are all in it together! #KCACOLS
I find it really difficult to make new friends, it just doesn’t seem to come naturally! Maybe I just need to make more of an effort and get out of my comfort zone! #kcacols
Love this! It’s true this is a minefield & a whole new scenario to get to grips with! #KCACOLS